the worse fight

i had so much to say. so much to blog abt. but the moment the laptop was switched on, my mind just went blank.

the joy today is not the same joy frm 5 mths ago.. she seemed to no longer look at things perpetually frm the positive or optimistic pt of view. she could no longer joke n laugh abt trival stuff. she started tinking more, tinking deeper.

when n why did tis change occur? she doesn't noe n wun ever noe.

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it hurt so much when the one i presumed to be my forever;
the one i wanted to bring to visit the grandparents, the aunties, the uncles;
the one i wanted to see, to hear, to touch, to smell the most;
said i couldn't stand by him through his dark times n tt we lived in different worlds.

its a sorta numbness tt i cannot express in wrds. its an ache in the chest n a sourness in the mouth tt can't seem to go away. for the first time, half a tub of ben n jerry's didn't cure tt pain n even downing 8% alcohol (the most i ever had) did not cease the thoughts tt ran through my mind. even blasting songs through earphones cannot erase the ringing of those wrds tt repeated n repeated in my ears.

there was no raised voices or heated exchanges. but the wrds still sank in - sharp, cutting, hard. the lack of faith/trust in our relationship, in me as an individual, left me speechless. he claims it has nothing to do with faith n tt there was nothing for me to change. i dunno. i really dunno.. the world has just gotten much more complicated. much more complex. so much so tt i lose my reason for living. my source of happiness.

the curse seems really true. it was for new yr, it was for vday. its happening again. i sooo dun wan tis to continue. its not like joy to not noe wat to do. its not like me to wanna withdraw frm the world so badly. so much for happy new year!

love wrks in mysterious ways. it makes u lose urself n be happy tt u lost urself. at least it had applied to me all tis while.